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Team Looks Forward to Meeting to Plan Meetings to Improve Other Meetings

Thursday, Jan 23, 2020
Phil Void Phil Void

The team at a disruptive tech startup are avidly looking forward to their next meeting to plan more meetings to improve other meetings, as part of the company’s The More The Meetier campaign.

Photo by Austin Distel on Unsplash

Employees at the tech startup WhatsThePoint have a KPI to spend 158% of their waking hours in meetings, in order to maximise the meetingness of their meetability and get a meetier diet of meety meetings.

The ultimate goal is to induce a meeting singularity, which is a dense ball of simultaneous meetings, containing so many meetings that time cannot escape its surface.

“We’re going to paint the calendar blue,” said the company’s Head of Meetings, Meetius McMeethead. “Any whitespace in the calendar is a waste of potential meeting time. Anyway let’s continue this discussion later; I have a meeting to go to.”

The management at WhatsThePoint have been reading the ancient text of the Tao Te Meeting and trying to put it into practice at the company. The first line of the classic text reads:

The Meeting that can be Met, is not the Eternal Meeting.

There are various interpretations of the Tao Te Meeting, and meetingologists have yet to agree on its fundamental meaning, if there is any at all.

The company also met with a professional haiku poet, who gave them this haiku to put on the office walls:

meetings all the time

will to live all depeleted

see you in meeting

To try and achieve the goal state of meeting overflow, in which the number of meetings exceeds the stack size of the universe and breaks the space-time continuum, converting all matter into meetings and paperclips, the managers at WhatsThePoint have invested in a Multi-Meeting Discombobulator. This machine is able to pipe multiple meetings into employees’ brains at once by chanelling different meeting streams into each eyeball and earhole simultaneously. The next step is to identify other potential orifices into which more meetings might be inserted.

One employee, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, told our reporter: “Now I’m just hoping for a huge meet-eor to strike the Earth, like the meet-eor that wiped out the dinosaurs.”